urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna anaanna anaanna 2004-07-27T22:38:10Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:8498 2004-07-27T22:38:10Z 2004-07-27T22:38:10Z a decade under the influence - taking back sunday so, it's been a while<br />i'm recovered now, or at least trying my best, which is working well<br />i went to the psych ward for cutting and everything just fell in place<br />cutting took over anorexia, which i consider healthier<br />although i still give credit to anyone with the will power to be truely anorexic. <br /><br />i want to keep this thing active cuz i plan on one day putting a movie/book/book-journal kinda thing together sometime in the future and itd be good to hear all my pathetic rants. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:8371 2004-04-11T05:12:37Z 2004-04-11T05:12:37Z wonderwall - oasis How will you know I’m hurting If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain. - C. Blount<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />ugh. <br />my wrist hurts. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:8021 2004-04-10T16:44:41Z 2004-04-10T16:44:41Z maps - yeah yeah yeahs okay so i fasted for 3 days with the exception of a few negative calories veggies to make it look like im eating. i ate yesterday though, mind you, healthy stuff like carrots and broccoli and hummus and like baked lays with salsa but yeah so i've decided this is how i'm gonna do this...<br />eat one day, fast for 3 days<br />eat one day, fast for 4 days<br />eat one day, fast for 3 days<br />eat one day, fast for 4 days and so on<br /><br />yeah so that will work and it's gonna be good<br /><br />today is my first day of a 4 day fast, even though easter's tmrw, i wont eat. that's gonna be hard ha<br /><br />but i'll do it<br /><br />yeah this will so work<br /><br />yay<br /><br />it's really not hard to fast for me at all, just as long as there's diet soda and water, i'm good.<br />and then on the day i eat i'll do my exercise routine twice. yeah.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:7742 2004-04-08T19:12:37Z 2004-04-08T19:12:37Z 21 questions - 50 cent i've had NOTHING today!<br /><br />and i only had two raw peices of broccoli yesterday! <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />hell yeah<br />and im not even hungry!<br /><br />i've had like NOTHING the past 3 days!<br /><br /><br />i'm so happy hahhaha<br /><br />yeah. i'm gonna keep this going as long as possible. <br /><br />i just made a pecan coffee cake with emu. it smells so good! ha<br />yeah urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:7590 2004-04-07T00:46:08Z 2004-04-07T00:49:32Z a whole new world - the aladdin soundtrack i didnt eat anything today!<br /><br /><br />lots of diet soda<br /> and like a tiny bit of fat free redi wip<br />but that's it!<br /><br /><br />ha i own<br />i'm gonna do it tmrw too<br /><br /><br />i got a black mini from AE today and a pink tshirt w/ a little pocket from jcrew and also a blue tank from jcrew and a sublime tee from hot topic<br /><br />good <br />gooooood<br />gooooooooood day urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:7232 2004-04-05T22:43:10Z 2004-04-05T22:43:10Z I hurt myself today<br />To see if I still feel<br />I focus on the pain<br />The only thing that’s real<br />The needle tears a hole<br />The old familiar sting<br />Try to kill it all away<br />But I remember everything<br />What have I become? <br />My sweetest friend<br />Everyone I know<br />Goes away in the end<br />You could have it all<br />My empire of dirt<br />I will let you down<br />I will make you hurt<br />I wear my crown of shit<br />On my liar’s chair<br />Full of broken thoughts<br />I cannot repair<br />Beneath the stain of time<br />The feeling disappears<br />You are someone else<br />I am still right here<br />What have I become? <br />My sweetest friend<br />Everyone I know<br />Goes away in the end<br />You could have it all<br />My empire of dirt<br />I will let you down<br />I will make you hurt<br />If I could start again<br />A million miles away<br />I would keep myself<br />I would find a way urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:7114 2004-04-05T22:41:11Z 2004-04-05T22:41:11Z hurt - nine inch nails bad weekend<br />i feel sick<br />i'm not eating tmrw<br />then trying not to as long as possible<br />water.<br />that's it<br />holy shit. i slipped.<br />im so fucking pathetic. <br />i can do this though. i'm going to get back on track and fucking OWN. <br />i'm just going to work out for the rest of spring break. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:6777 2004-04-02T00:28:12Z 2004-04-02T00:28:12Z I want to run until I'm wind, until I fade away to dust.<br />I want to walk in the snow and not soil its perfection.<br />I want to be as light as a feather and float away.<br />I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.<br />Starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything okay,<br />Turn my problems into bone, gather the remains, and blow away the dust.<br />One day I WILL stare beauty in its eye<br />And know that I am thin enough.<br />So skinny that I rot, when I can dance like a zephyr through the pure snow. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i found that on a pro-ana msg board. i like it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:6558 2004-04-01T23:57:25Z 2004-04-01T23:57:25Z that 'i'll go wherever you will go' song - the calling yeah really bad<br />ew<br />bad<br />i jsut had brocolli though<br />which is good for you <br />right?<br />ahh<br />i'm so mad at myself<br /><br /><br /><br />i need to get back on track<br />i need to stop this<br />dont eat <br />dont eat<br />dont eat<br />dont eat<br /><br />wow i'm crazy<br /><br />i'm gonna calm down though<br />i can do this<br />i know i can<br />it's control<br />i have control<br />i know i do<br />i just need to keep it<br /><br /><br />omg i am so full urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:6320 2004-03-30T23:15:27Z 2004-03-30T23:15:27Z i've had like 4 pickles the rest of the day so... - 30 calories?<br /><br />that's a total of 37.5 today<br /><br />i might have another pickle later, or maybe some hot banana peppers (so good for your metabolism)<br /><br />then the rest of the week, i'm staying under 100 a day too<br /><br />it'll be good cuz my stomach will shrink so i wont even want food over the weekend<br /><br />hahaha i made cereal today, like, i baked it. how awesome is that?? it's oatmeal w/ peanut butter and honey and shit and it looks (and SMELLS!) sooo good urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:6065 2004-03-30T17:22:44Z 2004-03-30T17:22:44Z wish you were here - pink floyd yesterday was my dad's birthday<br />so fuck yall<br />i ate<br />lol<br />not too much, but enough to be considered eating<br /><br />so therefore i'm not even going to mention yesterday<br />although i did discover that hummus is extra great w/ big carrots<br />oh and i came home sick from school yesterday too<br /><br />then today:<br />i stayed home again<br />but as for food:<br />(a big teaspoon of my jello fell on the floor :-( so...) 7.5 calories - 3/4 of a sugar free jello<br />and that's it<br />partially because i just woke up at 12<br /><br />yeah i'm MOST DEFINITELY, NO DOUBT staying under 100 today<br />probably under 40<br /><br />i might go to santa fe with carri this spring break (next week) and i dont know how i'm going to deal with my eating. i mean, i guess i can try not to eat as much as possible, but idk if they'd notice. and that's IF i go. i hope i can, b/c, even though carri and i dont always get along, as was seen over this summer when she came to michigan with me and my family, i still love her to death. she's really cute and we could def go guy scouting together. haha <br /><br />fuck. i'm going to have so much make up work when i get back to school. oh well, i can barely stand. so i guess it's worth it. i have the stomach virus that's going around. lucky me. <br /><br />grr i havent gotten any ass in like 2 weeks<br />i want some (and i just wanted to see the mood icon for 'horny' haha) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:5713 2004-03-28T23:17:56Z 2004-03-28T23:17:56Z needle in the hay - elliot smith today i had:<br />a couple sugar free jellos<br />fresh veggies and fruit<br />and some pita chips and hummus<br />a few merangues (sp?)... the egg white cookies things<br />um and some of these after dinner mint things that are soo good<br /><br />yeah another binge day<br />this week i'm staying under 100 each weekday<br /><br />i feel like such a pig even though i had under 500 today, which was my original goal<br /><br />i'm gonna be okay though<br />it will even itself out urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:5386 2004-03-28T00:50:32Z 2004-03-28T00:50:32Z lucy in the sky - the beatles ha<br />4 half pickles - 40 calories<br /><br />that's it.<br />hahaha<br /><br />yeah my stomach hurts anyways and i couldnt eat to begin with<br />so yep<br />yay urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:5227 2004-03-27T15:56:35Z 2004-03-27T15:56:35Z ana's song - silverchair Please die Ana<br />For as long as you're here we're not<br />You make the sound of laughter<br />and sharpened nails seem softer<br />And I need you now somehow<br />And I need you now somehow<br /><br />Open fire on the needs designed<br />On my knees for you<br />Open fire on my knees desires<br />What I need from you<br /><br />Imagine pageant<br />In my head the flesh seems thicker<br />Sandpaper tears corrode the film<br /><br />And I need you now somehow<br />And I need you now somehow<br /><br />Open fire on the needs designed<br />On my knees for you<br />Open fire on my knees desires<br />What I need from you<br /><br />And you're my obsession<br />I love you to the bones<br />And Ana wrecks your life<br />Like an Anorexia life<br /><br />Open fire on the needs designed<br />On my knees for you<br />Open fire on my knees desires<br />What I need from you<br />Open fire on the needs designed<br />Open fire on my knees desires<br />On my knees for you<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />yeah, that's the greatest ED song ever written haha<br /><br />well on to today<br /><br />i only drank sme diet sunkist this morning<br /><br />i'm not going to eat today i dont think<br /><br />just drink a lot of diet<br />cuz it fills you up<br /><br />i'm also doing a lot of walking today, so that will work me out for yesterday urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:4962 2004-03-27T03:18:41Z 2004-03-27T03:21:20Z buffalo soldier - bob marly okay for breakfast i had a 10 cal sugar free jello<br /><br />then i didnt have anythign til after school<br />binge major<br />i made cookies, and i wont even mention my grossness<br /><br />just know that i will only have below 200 cals the rest of my days<br /> <br />ha<br />whoa i feel disgusting urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:4633 2004-03-25T23:28:13Z 2004-03-25T23:28:13Z ocean avenue - yellowcard fuck i ate a LOT today<br /><br />i just got done w/ brocolli w/ schezuan sauce<br /><br />i had a couple sugar free jellos<br /><br />a few bread sticks w/ hummus<br /><br />and some hot banana peppers<br /><br />ha<br />wow that was a lot<br /><br />oh well<br />i havent eaten in a while<br />and broccoli is good for you<br />so w/e<br /><br />i'm def eating under 200 tmrw though<br />today was just a splurge<br />haha<br /><br />i dont even want to count all those calories<br /><br />i went to the doctor and he said i have an acid imbalance in my stomach<br />so im taking some meds for it<br /><br />god do i feel FULL, and yeah it's def a good feeling even though i feel guilty haha urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:4401 2004-03-25T14:17:03Z 2004-03-25T14:17:03Z schism - tool breakfast:<br />1 sugar free jello - 10 calories (yay! we bought like 2 BIG packs of them yesterday)<br />1 stalk of celery - 10 calories<br /><br />i stayed home today<br />my mom's taking me to the doctor's at 220<br />it'll be cool though cuz i dont think i've lost enough weight for them to freak about<br />ew the after taste of celery is gross but it's so good for your metabolism<br /><br />yesterday my dad and i went shopping and we got the like a 7 lb jar of hot banana peppers (really good for your metabolism), 2 BIG jars of pickles, and the jellos! ha it's awesome! oh and carrots too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:4335 2004-03-24T21:44:09Z 2004-03-24T21:44:09Z sounds good but i dont know - catch 22 i just had :<br />2 med stalks of celery - 20 calories<br />1 pickle half - 10 calories<br /><br />and that's all i'm having for today<br />so that's like 168 calories total<br /><br />i just saw a pic of me from last summer... fucking god was i FAT. i'm sticking to this if it's giong to fucking kill me. i'd rather be dead than soooo uncomfortable being myself. i'm going to be thin. i will be. i know the pic was from like forever ago, but i mean, how the hell could i let myself get that big? it doesnt seem real...<br /><br />i'm going to go make cookies for my friend carlie hehe i love my friends urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:3938 2004-03-24T20:37:49Z 2004-03-24T20:37:49Z breakfast:<br />1 and 3/4 (b/c one sorta spilled) sugar free jellos - 17.5 calories<br /><br />day:<br />2 peices of orbit - 10 calories<br />a mix of bread sticks w/ hummus, quaker baked things, and pad thai - 100 calories<br />1 sugar free jello - 10 calories<br /><br />i think i'm going to up my intake by a few b/c god damn it i'm hungry lol urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:3725 2004-03-23T23:53:41Z 2004-03-23T23:53:41Z i miss you - blink 182 rest of the day:<br />6 individual sugar free jellos - 60 calories total<br />a few pinches of pad thai - 50 calories<br /><br />total - 138 calories<br /><br />that's cool<br /><br />i just made pad thai for dinner for my parents<br />DAMMN was it good<br />but i feel bad for eating so much of it cuz i had (^ like it says) abt 50 calories worth, when i told myself i wasnt going to eat anymore. but oh well. the jello was good even though it's like NOTHING. it kept my mouth from tasting gross throughout the day. <br /><br />ah! i want to eat some more pad thai so bad though... cuz yuuuummmm lol<br /><br />i love to cook when i'm ana because it's like, 'ha i can put all this shit in here that's fatty and heavily caloric, but they wont know. and plus, if i cant eat stuff that tastes good, doesnt mean they cant" so it's fun. i've had like a baking fest the past week<br /><br />tmrw is my one week ana aniversary lol<br />go me <br />i did it for a week<br /><br />i was talking to rachel (plowden) who used to be anorexic, and she thinks i should eat more, and that's crazy coming from another ana, but idk what i should do, i'm proud of my under 200 cal days urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:3582 2004-03-23T18:42:21Z 2004-03-23T18:42:21Z semi-charmed life - third eye blind breakfast:<br />a few bites of apple - 25 calories<br />not even a full cup of black coffee - 3 calories<br /><br />nothing since then<br /> <br />i'm baking some apple spice muffins right now<br />i probably should have added nuts<br />oh well<br />but yeah, so they smell good<br />and i'm not going to eat one though<br />i'm making my family eat them<br />i dont think that they are incredibly bad for you, but they're not the greatest lol<br /><br />i'm bored and my stomach hurts<br />i came home from school today b/c i didnt feel like being there, and my stomach started hurting SOOO bad<br /><br />it's better now cuz i slept like 3 hours<br /><br />oh damn it was so strange... i had a dream that like, my mind was awake but my body wasnt, and it's sooo frickin scary. i dont even know if it was a dream, but like, i could see everything in my room, as it was, but i couldnt move my hand or anything. like i was in a coma. eek! lol oh well, i'm awake now urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:3174 2004-03-23T00:08:24Z 2004-03-23T00:08:24Z i had <br />a bit of fruit salad... idk the cals for that<br />a few mini bread sticks w/ hummos - 50 cal<br />2 mini pita w/ hummos - 60 cal<br />2 sugar free jello - 20 cal<br /><br />so like somewhere around 200 for the day urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:2973 2004-03-22T22:52:11Z 2004-03-22T22:52:11Z bathwater - no doubt ugh yesterday i ate some more grapes, and i had one of the cookies i made, but they're small and remotely healthy, and some of the quaker potato stick bake things. ugh yeah def a binge day. but then today i had...<br /><br />breakfast: <br />1 cup chicken broth - 15 calories<br />1 stick of orbit gum - 5 calories<br /><br />snack - <br />1 cup chicken broth - 15 calories<br /><br />hahah hell yeah i've only had 35 calories today <br />how fuckin kick ass is that??!!??<br />i feel really fat today though <br />i hate it<br /><br /><br />i want to disappear from being thin. like melt into the air and just float away so that no one can see me or care about me anymore. people care too much, including myself, because if i didnt care, i wouldnt be restricting myself whatsoever and i wouldnt have so much stress. i cant stand this, like, this constant feeling of being completely emotionally empty, but caring way too much at the same time, and then to add, i want to be THIN. really thin. i want people to notice. i want people to look at me and be jealous. be like damn i want that body haha but not now, no, not yet. but i hope soon. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:2717 2004-03-21T18:23:32Z 2004-03-21T18:23:32Z creep - radiohead okay so i kinda ate a bit too much already<br />i keep eating those ranch pita chips... 4 or 5 of them...so: 40-50 calories<br />1 more sugar free jello - 10 calories<br />and, yeah, more grapes - 50 calories<br /><br /><br />i'm def staying under 500 today still<br /><br /><br />grr <br /><br />it's sunday... youre supposed to eat. i want to god damn it lol<br />but i'm not going to cuz i know i'm stronger than that<br /><br /><br />"i dont care if it hurts<br />i want to have control<br />i want a perfect body<br />i want a perfect soul" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:anaanna:2352 2004-03-21T15:01:29Z 2004-03-21T15:01:29Z ride with me - the vines okay, so yesterday...<br />(add this to what i already had)<br />2 cups of chicken broth - 30 calories<br />2 peices of gum - 10 calories<br />2 pepperoncinis - 0 calories<br />pickles - not even 1 calorie<br /><br />yeah that's a total of 85 calories yesterday<br />you know that i kick ass<br /><br /><br />...but today i feel like i'm going to die, i have no strength whatsoever and everything is making me tired/dizzy. so i had to eat:<br />grapes - 60 calories<br />1 mini pita with the smallest bit of hummus - 19 calories<br />1 ranch pita chip - 15 calories<br />2 sugar free jellos - 20 calories<br /><br />104 calories today already, but i deserved it, even though i feel really guilty. <br /><br />i walked a lot yesterday with rachel, cuz we went to goodwill. my diet dr pepper kept me alive. this is crazy, i want to eat so bad, but i wont, i'm not going to. i'm going to stay under 400 today, since i really havent eaten much at allll in a while, and i want to be thin, more than anything, but if i'm pale as fuck and passing out, i'm thinking no one will care if i'm thin, i'll just look disgusting.