i'm just perfecting my emptiness

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i'm just perfecting my emptiness

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anaanna

[	website	\|	my other live journal	]
[	userinfo	\|	livejournal userinfo	]
[	archive	\|	journal archive	]

[Jul. 27th, 2004|06:35 pm]

[	mood	\|	accomplished	]
[	music	\|	a decade under the influence - taking back sunday	]

so, it's been a while
i'm recovered now, or at least trying my best, which is working well
i went to the psych ward for cutting and everything just fell in place
cutting took over anorexia, which i consider healthier
although i still give credit to anyone with the will power to be truely anorexic.

i want to keep this thing active cuz i plan on one day putting a movie/book/book-journal kinda thing together sometime in the future and itd be good to hear all my pathetic rants.

1 comment|post comment

the fucking quote of the century.

[Apr. 11th, 2004|01:09 am]

[	mood	\|	disappointed	]
[	music	\|	wonderwall - oasis	]

How will you know I’m hurting If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain. - C. Blount

ugh.
my wrist hurts.

2 comments|post comment

[Apr. 10th, 2004|12:34 pm]

[	mood	\|	determined	]
[	music	\|	maps - yeah yeah yeahs	]

okay so i fasted for 3 days with the exception of a few negative calories veggies to make it look like im eating. i ate yesterday though, mind you, healthy stuff like carrots and broccoli and hummus and like baked lays with salsa but yeah so i've decided this is how i'm gonna do this...
eat one day, fast for 3 days
eat one day, fast for 4 days
eat one day, fast for 3 days
eat one day, fast for 4 days and so on

yeah so that will work and it's gonna be good

today is my first day of a 4 day fast, even though easter's tmrw, i wont eat. that's gonna be hard ha

but i'll do it

yeah this will so work

yay

it's really not hard to fast for me at all, just as long as there's diet soda and water, i'm good.
and then on the day i eat i'll do my exercise routine twice. yeah..

so for the past two days...

[Apr. 8th, 2004|03:09 pm]

[	mood	\|	cheerful	]
[	music	\|	21 questions - 50 cent	]

i've had NOTHING today!

and i only had two raw peices of broccoli yesterday!

hell yeah
and im not even hungry!

i've had like NOTHING the past 3 days!

i'm so happy hahhaha

yeah. i'm gonna keep this going as long as possible.

i just made a pecan coffee cake with emu. it smells so good! ha
yeah

[Apr. 6th, 2004|08:35 pm]

[	mood	\|	pleased	]
[	music	\|	a whole new world - the aladdin soundtrack	]

i didnt eat anything today!

lots of diet soda
and like a tiny bit of fat free redi wip
but that's it!

ha i own
i'm gonna do it tmrw too

i got a black mini from AE today and a pink tshirt w/ a little pocket from jcrew and also a blue tank from jcrew and a sublime tee from hot topic

good
gooooood
gooooooooood day

hurt.	[Apr. 5th, 2004\|06:42 pm]
I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that’s real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear my crown of shit On my liar’s chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stain of time The feeling disappears You are someone else I am still right here What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way
link	2 comments\|post comment

[Apr. 5th, 2004|06:38 pm]

[	mood	\|	disappointed	]
[	music	\|	hurt - nine inch nails	]

bad weekend
i feel sick
i'm not eating tmrw
then trying not to as long as possible
water.
that's it
holy shit. i slipped.
im so fucking pathetic.
i can do this though. i'm going to get back on track and fucking OWN.
i'm just going to work out for the rest of spring break.

(no subject)	[Apr. 1st, 2004\|07:27 pm]
I want to run until I'm wind, until I fade away to dust. I want to walk in the snow and not soil its perfection. I want to be as light as a feather and float away. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. Starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything okay, Turn my problems into bone, gather the remains, and blow away the dust. One day I WILL stare beauty in its eye And know that I am thin enough. So skinny that I rot, when I can dance like a zephyr through the pure snow. i found that on a pro-ana msg board. i like it.
link	post comment

ohhh bad past two days, baaddddd

[Apr. 1st, 2004|06:51 pm]

[	mood	\|	full	]
[	music	\|	that 'i'll go wherever you will go' song - the calling	]

yeah really bad
ew
bad
i jsut had brocolli though
which is good for you
right?
ahh
i'm so mad at myself

i need to get back on track
i need to stop this
dont eat
dont eat
dont eat
dont eat

wow i'm crazy

i'm gonna calm down though
i can do this
i know i can
it's control
i have control
i know i do
i just need to keep it

omg i am so full

[Mar. 30th, 2004|06:11 pm]

[

mood

|

satisfied

]

i've had like 4 pickles the rest of the day so... - 30 calories?

that's a total of 37.5 today

i might have another pickle later, or maybe some hot banana peppers (so good for your metabolism)

then the rest of the week, i'm staying under 100 a day too

it'll be good cuz my stomach will shrink so i wont even want food over the weekend

hahaha i made cereal today, like, i baked it. how awesome is that?? it's oatmeal w/ peanut butter and honey and shit and it looks (and SMELLS!) sooo good

2 comments|post comment

[Mar. 30th, 2004|12:15 pm]

[	mood	\|	horny	]
[	music	\|	wish you were here - pink floyd	]

yesterday was my dad's birthday
so fuck yall
i ate
lol
not too much, but enough to be considered eating

so therefore i'm not even going to mention yesterday
although i did discover that hummus is extra great w/ big carrots
oh and i came home sick from school yesterday too

then today:
i stayed home again
but as for food:
(a big teaspoon of my jello fell on the floor :-( so...) 7.5 calories - 3/4 of a sugar free jello
and that's it
partially because i just woke up at 12

yeah i'm MOST DEFINITELY, NO DOUBT staying under 100 today
probably under 40

i might go to santa fe with carri this spring break (next week) and i dont know how i'm going to deal with my eating. i mean, i guess i can try not to eat as much as possible, but idk if they'd notice. and that's IF i go. i hope i can, b/c, even though carri and i dont always get along, as was seen over this summer when she came to michigan with me and my family, i still love her to death. she's really cute and we could def go guy scouting together. haha

fuck. i'm going to have so much make up work when i get back to school. oh well, i can barely stand. so i guess it's worth it. i have the stomach virus that's going around. lucky me.

grr i havent gotten any ass in like 2 weeks
i want some (and i just wanted to see the mood icon for 'horny' haha)

[Mar. 28th, 2004|06:13 pm]

[	mood	\|	thirsty	]
[	music	\|	needle in the hay - elliot smith	]

today i had:
a couple sugar free jellos
fresh veggies and fruit
and some pita chips and hummus
a few merangues (sp?)... the egg white cookies things
um and some of these after dinner mint things that are soo good

yeah another binge day
this week i'm staying under 100 each weekday

i feel like such a pig even though i had under 500 today, which was my original goal

i'm gonna be okay though
it will even itself out

[Mar. 27th, 2004|07:43 pm]

[	mood	\|	accomplished	]
[	music	\|	lucy in the sky - the beatles	]

ha
4 half pickles - 40 calories

that's it.
hahaha

yeah my stomach hurts anyways and i couldnt eat to begin with
so yep
yay

[Mar. 27th, 2004|10:52 am]

[	mood	\|	bitchy	]
[	music	\|	ana's song - silverchair	]

Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
and sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

Imagine pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the film

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an Anorexia life

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Open fire on the needs designed
Open fire on my knees desires
On my knees for you

yeah, that's the greatest ED song ever written haha

well on to today

i only drank sme diet sunkist this morning

i'm not going to eat today i dont think

just drink a lot of diet
cuz it fills you up

i'm also doing a lot of walking today, so that will work me out for yesterday

[Mar. 26th, 2004|10:15 pm]

[	mood	\|	disappointed	]
[	music	\|	buffalo soldier - bob marly	]

okay for breakfast i had a 10 cal sugar free jello

then i didnt have anythign til after school
binge major
i made cookies, and i wont even mention my grossness

just know that i will only have below 200 cals the rest of my days

ha
whoa i feel disgusting

[Mar. 25th, 2004|06:24 pm]

[	mood	\|	full	]
[	music	\|	ocean avenue - yellowcard	]

fuck i ate a LOT today

i just got done w/ brocolli w/ schezuan sauce

i had a couple sugar free jellos

a few bread sticks w/ hummus

and some hot banana peppers

ha
wow that was a lot

oh well
i havent eaten in a while
and broccoli is good for you
so w/e

i'm def eating under 200 tmrw though
today was just a splurge
haha

i dont even want to count all those calories

i went to the doctor and he said i have an acid imbalance in my stomach
so im taking some meds for it

god do i feel FULL, and yeah it's def a good feeling even though i feel guilty haha

[Mar. 25th, 2004|09:12 am]

[	mood	\|	bored	]
[	music	\|	schism - tool	]

breakfast:
1 sugar free jello - 10 calories (yay! we bought like 2 BIG packs of them yesterday)
1 stalk of celery - 10 calories

i stayed home today
my mom's taking me to the doctor's at 220
it'll be cool though cuz i dont think i've lost enough weight for them to freak about
ew the after taste of celery is gross but it's so good for your metabolism

yesterday my dad and i went shopping and we got the like a 7 lb jar of hot banana peppers (really good for your metabolism), 2 BIG jars of pickles, and the jellos! ha it's awesome! oh and carrots too.

[Mar. 24th, 2004|04:38 pm]

[	mood	\|	irritated	]
[	music	\|	sounds good but i dont know - catch 22	]

i just had :
2 med stalks of celery - 20 calories
1 pickle half - 10 calories

and that's all i'm having for today
so that's like 168 calories total

i just saw a pic of me from last summer... fucking god was i FAT. i'm sticking to this if it's giong to fucking kill me. i'd rather be dead than soooo uncomfortable being myself. i'm going to be thin. i will be. i know the pic was from like forever ago, but i mean, how the hell could i let myself get that big? it doesnt seem real...

i'm going to go make cookies for my friend carlie hehe i love my friends

2 comments|post comment

[Mar. 24th, 2004|03:34 pm]

[

mood

|

indifferent

]

breakfast:
1 and 3/4 (b/c one sorta spilled) sugar free jellos - 17.5 calories

day:
2 peices of orbit - 10 calories
a mix of bread sticks w/ hummus, quaker baked things, and pad thai - 100 calories
1 sugar free jello - 10 calories

i think i'm going to up my intake by a few b/c god damn it i'm hungry lol

[Mar. 23rd, 2004|06:46 pm]

[	mood	\|	hungry	]
[	music	\|	i miss you - blink 182	]

rest of the day:
6 individual sugar free jellos - 60 calories total
a few pinches of pad thai - 50 calories

total - 138 calories

that's cool

i just made pad thai for dinner for my parents
DAMMN was it good
but i feel bad for eating so much of it cuz i had (^ like it says) abt 50 calories worth, when i told myself i wasnt going to eat anymore. but oh well. the jello was good even though it's like NOTHING. it kept my mouth from tasting gross throughout the day.

ah! i want to eat some more pad thai so bad though... cuz yuuuummmm lol

i love to cook when i'm ana because it's like, 'ha i can put all this shit in here that's fatty and heavily caloric, but they wont know. and plus, if i cant eat stuff that tastes good, doesnt mean they cant" so it's fun. i've had like a baking fest the past week

tmrw is my one week ana aniversary lol
go me
i did it for a week

i was talking to rachel (plowden) who used to be anorexic, and she thinks i should eat more, and that's crazy coming from another ana, but idk what i should do, i'm proud of my under 200 cal days

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